Twilight parody
by midgeon12
Summary: This a parody, just look at the title...anyways, plese read! characters will be ooc cuz its aparody, dont like it, 2 bad. suck it up, just like a vampire! rated T for language, randomness and few quotes not suitable for children under the age of 12
1. Forks! and spoons!

**hi people heres my little twilight series spoof since the plot is so simple and boring i was like hey, i could make a parody well here goes.**

**also, to those of you hardcore twilight fans who cn never stand seeing twilight being made fun of, chillax.**

**BD spoilers too.**

**Characters r sure to be ooc, its a parody duh so dont complain about that**

* * *

Bella: Damn, I hate Forks! Stupid rain.

At school...

Mike: Hey I'm Mike.

Bella: I don't care.

Mike: Welcome to Forks!

Bella: Go away.

Mike: I like you. We should go out!

Bella: In your dreams.

Mike: See you later.

Bella: Ugh.

At lunch...

Jessica: Dude, stop stealing my man away from me!

Bella: Who?

Jessica: Well duh, who do think?!

Bella: Eric?

Jessica: MIKE is MINE!

Bella: Oh.

Cullens and Hales enter the caf...

Bella: Wow, who are those awesomely bee-yu-ta-ful peoples!?

Jessica: Oh, those are the children of the doctor and Mrs. Cullen.

Bella: Wow, that bronze haired guy is pretty hot...

Jessica: Why would he like you? He doesn't like nobody.

Bella: Damn it!

Tyler: Hey there Bella. *winks*

Mike: Bella's my homegirl!

Tyler: Oh yeah?

Mike: Yeah.

Tyler: You will pay for that.

Mike : Sure.

*Tyler gives Bella a hug*

Bella: Get off you freak! I don't even really know you!

Mike: Haha! I win!

*Pecks Bella on cheek*

Bella: Ugh, leave me alone! And I'm not impressed with you people! So go away.

Mike and Tyler: Groan.

Eric: Hey there, Isabella!

Bella: It's BELLA, you idiot! Go away.

bell rings, Bella goes to class.....

Teacher: Take a seat right there, right next to Edward.

edward covers his nose and goes all stiff.

Bella: What did I do!?

edward glares. He hands her the sciency material stuff.

Bella: Dude, chillax.

Edward:Groan

bella can tell he is trying not to breathe.

she sniffs her hair inconspicuously. it smells like strawberries.

Bella thinks: Maybe he's allergic to strawberries.

Bella says: Dude, chillax.

Edward: Choke

edwards face is all pinched up, like he's in pain.

Bella: Are you constipated? If that's the case, go take some mineral oil...

edward is giving bella the perfect evil glare.

bella recognizes edward as that hot dude with the bronze hair from lunch.

Bella thinks: Why does he hate me? Sheesh! Why is he glaring, besides that constipation comment. Ugh, I can't take it. He's gorgeous, but irritating at the same time.....

Bella: Stop glaring, otherwise I'll shoot you.

Edward: Go to Hell.

Bella: I don't really have a gun, you moron! Stop staring at me, it's freaky and stalker-ish!

bell rings..edward zooms inhumanely fast out of classroom.

Bella wails: WHAT DID I DO???!!

bella's day goes on....she's at home with charlie, her father

Bella: Yo Daddy-o, went fishing?

Charlie: Fishing is my life.

Bella: You're pathetic.

Charlie:Fishing rocks my world.

Bella: Where's dinner!?

Charlie: Go get some of those frozen waffles.

Bella: Ew!

Charlie: Fine. Go cook something for us then.

Bella: Well what do you want?

Charlie: Fish!

Bella: Ugh, fine.

bella cooks up fish, charlie looks at her in awe.

Charlie: Dude, you're like the master chef! Cook for me everyday!

Bella: Yeah, since you're so incapable of doing it yourself.

Charlie: You're my slave. Bake some of my haddock tomorrow.

Bella: I don't want to eat fish everyday!

Charlie: My house, my rules. Cook fish or die.

Bella: Grumble, Grrrrrr, Uggggggggggg, FINE! I swear when I finish college, I'm immediately getting a house so far away from you and I won't have to cook fish.

Charlie: Yeah, well that time has yet to come. So in the meantime, you'll be cooking me fish!

they sit down at the dinner table, not really talking, when charlie suddenly asks about boys.

Charlie: Hey, any boys you like?

Bella: Uh, well there's my friend Mike, but he's a weirdo.

Charlie: ...okay.......

Bella: Also, the Cullens don't really fit in. They stare dejectedly at the walls and the table at lunch. It's so weird. They're all pretty much flawless in their looks though. Especially this guy named Edward. *Bella's mouth starts drooling as she imagines her and edward together.*

Charlie: Are you okay?

Bella: Yeah I'm fine. Good night.

* * *

**What do you think?**

**Twilight, in my humble opinion, is hilariously boring and i can't imagine why i was actually one of its fans.**

**Chapter one has been finished. Fin.**

**I think i'll make some new moon, eclipse, and bd parodies too, but that depends.**

**Well, what do u think?**

**when u review and if ur a hardcore twilighter, dont waste ur time about complaining about how twilight is so great and why the hell i shud make fun of it.**

**review only if u think i shud make improvements.**

**review only if ur going to keep the peace. **

**flames will be deleted unless theyre funny, then ill keep them.**

hope u liked it!

I'm gonna make a chp 2 to this soon.


	2. The dreaded EDDY glare!

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* * *

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Chapter 2 is here!

**warning to all twilighters: have a sense of humor. dont bother with this story if u cant stand seeing twilight made fun of, really, just chill.**

**thx for all the good reviews, i hope i can keep writing good chapters.**

**also: this is a PARODY. The characters r obviously gonna b ooc and the personality will be exaggerated.**

**this chapter will start from when bella is becoming obsessed with edward. **

* * *

Bella: Egh! I hate SNOW! Frickin snow!!! It's ruining my day!

Mike: Why are you always in a bad mood?

Bella: Because I hate snow, I hate fish, and I hate Edward!!!!

Mike: Fish?

Bella: Never mind

Mike: No, you can tell me. I'll listen to you, unlike Tyler or Eric. I'll always listen to you, and I'll always be by your side.

Bella: Ew! Get away! I don't even like you!

Mike (grumpily): Well who do you like?

Bella: Edward. *drools, lost in thought*

Mike: But you just said you hate him!

Bella: Life is complicated.

Mike: You're so philosophical and deep, just my kind of girl.

Bella: Uh.... *thinks really hard about a way to put this nicely, when suddenly something springs to mind* Mike, I don't want to go out with you because I think it would hurt Jessica's feelings.

Mike: Jessica?! You're kidding me, right?

Bella: You're just like all other dudes, blind as ever!

Mike: *deep in thought*

bella runs off as quickly as she can to lunch to escape mike...

at lunch...

Eric: Hey Bella, baby, sit here, next to me!

Bella: I'm not impressed with people with acne issues and smelly, greasy hair.

Tyler: *waggles eyebrows* You can sit next to ME. Come on, don't be shy.....

Bella: Frickin' weirdo...

Lauren to Tyler: Hey what about me? Do you find me attractive?

Tyler, uncertain and like, what the hell-ish expression: Uh.....sure........i GUESS so........

Lauren: I'm so hot. Bella, I don't even know why everyone likes you, I mean your like, ALBINO.

Bella: Beats me. My mom uses that creepy old lady powder on me every morning. She puts it EVERYWHERE. She's crazy...

Lauren: I see that the mental problems are a genetic issue.

Bella: What?

at class, the one with edward in it...

Bella: Hey, Edward's not here! WHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *cries*

next day....

Bella: Dammit! He's still not here!

next day...

Bella: Was he really that offended by that constipation thing?

next day...

Edward: Hey I'm Edward Cullen. Everything's cool.

Bella: No it's not!!! Dude, you were GLARING at me! For no damn reason!

Bella: Hey, your eyes changed color!

Edward: Do you have ADD?

Bella: Don't talk to me, you bug me.

lesson continues...

edward hands bella the science stuff

his hand touches her hand...

Bella: Youch! Do you regularily stuff your hand in a freezer all night?!

Edward: You should see the nurse.

Bella: I just saw her! She was walking down the hall. Man, that coat of hers is HIDEOUS.

Edward: ...never mind....

bella thinks: Despite everything that's so weird about him, I LIKE himi! No, I LOVE him. He smells so good! I wonder if he got the scents from hollister...

bella: sniff sniff sniff

Edward: What the hell are you DOING?!

Bella: Sniff....you smell so good.....

Edward: um...thank you?

* * *

**this was a relatively short chapter, and i hope u like it as much as the first.**

**if u keep reviewing i'll keep updating**

**remember: flames r not appreciated. any1 who sends a flame will get flamed back. fight fire with fire!**


	3. The Car wreck

**i have read an astonishing article.**

**in some magazine (i 4get which one) it said that kristen stewart and nikki reed r having a catfight ovr rob.**

**kristen stewart had a boyfriend, remember? well, not anymor, i think.**

**nikki reed is the one who suggested putting rob's song (he has a horrible, old man sounding voice) on the twilight soundtrack. **

**rob is sucking up to BOTH of them, which makes everything worse!**

**so who do u think shud win this epic fight?**

**nikki or kstew?**

***EPIC music blaring in background* dun dun dun DUNNNN!!!**

**anyways, back to the topic of this story, yeah.**

**thank u for the good reviews, they motivate me to sit my fat butt down at the computer and finish my story.**

**yeah....**

**i think i'll shut up now and just write the story instead of intro. yup. here u go:**

* * *

Bella: la la la ti da la la ti da...

van swerves with tyler in it...

Tyler:Whoa whoa whoa!

Bella: AAAAHH!!!!!

Tyler: Whoa whoa whoa!

Bella: AAAAHHH!!!!

Tyler: Whoa whoa whoa!

Bella: AAAAHHH!!!!

edward zooms over...

van swerves and is about to hit bella when suddenly...

KAWHAMMO!!!

edward collides with van, unscathed, while bella shrieks in terror...

Bella: Hey, I'm all right! Whoo-hoo!!!! *touchdown dance*

Edward: Dude, are you alright???

Bella: Well duh! I'm dancing! Does it look like I'm hurt?

Edward: Um... just go see the doc anyway. I'm an abusive controlling freak, remember?

Bella: I didn't know...

Edward: Oh, that comes later in the story. Sorry if I ruined it for you.

Bella: ...

Edward: Yo, Pops!

ambulance goes weeooweeoo...

Carlisle: Sup Edward!

knuckles five...

Carlise: What's wrong? What happened?

Edward: Oh, stupid Tyler almost ran over Bella.

Carlisle: This is an emergency! This is a job for... HANDYHELPINGVAMPYMAN!!!

Bella: Excuse me, what did you just say?!

Carlisle: Nothing... just hop in the ambulance. You too, Tyler.

Tyler: Groan.....ow.

Carlisle: Yeah, you're in worse condition than I thought. Bella, are you feeling ok?

Bella: Yeah, I'm fine.

Carlisle: Doesn't matter. I'll stuff this neck brace on you anyway.

Bella: NOOO!!!!

Edward, grinning evilly: Hehe, YES!

bella tries to stare down edward with a killer stare.

edward just grins some more.

Tyler: Do I get a cool neck brace, too? I want to be just like Bella!

Bella: What the hell? I'm a girl! How can you be just like me?

Tyler: Yeah, so am I!

Bella: ...

at the hospital...

Carlisle: ..and it seems you will be ok.

Bella: Um, thanks. I'm getting outta here.

Tyler: Nooo...you have to stay with me! Please, please, please!

Bella: Stop acting like a little child! It's freaking me out.

Tyler: WHAAAAAA!!!! You don't like me!

Bella: Well, duh, you finally figured that one out!

bella powerwalks (why it's so important that she powerwalks i have no clue) out of the ER with no serious injuries...

Bella: Yo, Eddy!

Edward: Do not call me "Eddy". Do not talk to me, ever!

Bella: Chill, why are you so bugged?

Edward: Because I have just exposed my vampireness to the whole world!!!! Oops....

Bella: WHAT?!

Edward: Nevermind.

Bella: fine.

carlisle cmoes around corner...

Carlisle: Why don't you leave now, Bella?

Bella: Because I'm waiting for my sticker.

Carlisle: Sigh...fine here's your sticker.

bella looks at sticker, it's a picture of pooh bear saying "I'm a great patient!"

Bella: Thanks, this one's a cool one. I haven't collected this one yet!

Carlisle: Yeah...sure.

Bella: See ya later, Eddygator!

Edward: Do not call me EDDY!


	4. A mix of creepers and slight racism P

bella dreams...

Bella: Yo Eddy! Why ya standing so far away?

Dream Eddy: walk walk walk away...

bella runs toward him...

Bella: Stay put, you idiot!

Dream Eddy: walk walk walk away...

_**ZAP!**_ Bella suddenly finds herself transported back to reality...

Bella: Aw, damn.

bella drives croaking old truck to school...*squeak squeak wheeze*

Tyler: Hey Bella!Bella: Leave me alone, you clingy little bastard!

at lunch...

Tyler: Hey Bella, I'm sitting with you today!

Bella: Piss off!

the class after that lunch...

Mr. Idkhisname: Bella, how are doing?

Bella, with obvious "stfu" tone of voice: Fine.

Mr. Idkhisname: You sure?

Bella: Edward is my hero! He sa

ved me in a heroic manner from that horrifying truck =P

Mr. Idkhisname: Oh, that constipated kid?

later that day in biology...

Bella: Hey, EDWARD...not Eddy...erm, what's up?

edward, very obviously ignoring bella, turns away and balls up fists as if wanting to punch her guts out...

Bella: Awwwww, you're so mean!

after biology...

Mike: Hey, I'm so glad that Edward hates you. Now we can go and run away together to a little island in the sun! **(A/N: Weezer FTW!)**

Bella: ...

Jessica: Wait, is Mike YOURS now?Bella: Nope, the little creep is totally single.

Jessica: But he talks to you more than me! *starts sniffling*

Bella: ...'sall good. You go ahead and date him and stuff.

Jessica: Yay! Now I'm gonna date him and stuff!

Jessica: Hey, I know! I'm totally asking him to the dance! SQUEE!

the next day at school...

Bella: Hey Jess!

jessica throws her an evil death glare...

Gangstah Bella: Say whah? Why you gotta act dat way?

Ninja Bella: Hiyah! *karate-fies the hell out of Je

ss with kicks and nunchukas*

Real, pasty white Bella: *looks at Jess, does double take* Wait, what?

mike from behind bella...

Mike: I wanted to go with you to the dance instead. *bats eyelashes affectionately*

Bella: No, what's up with you people? Goons!

*ding! lightbulb illuminates to life over her pasty white face"

Bella: I'm going to Seattle!

Edward: Yo Bella!

Bella thinks: He's talking to me! He's talk

ing to me! Oh my God he's ACTUALLY TALKING TO ME!

Bella:What the friggles do you want, BETCH?

Edward: We're not friends and I totally hate you but I'm gonna take you to Seattle!

Gangstah Bella: Watcha talkin' bout, fool?

Ninja Bella: Hiyah watchacha! *flips around a knife with sushi bits stuck to it in a cool, threatening looking manner*

Real pasty white Bella: *looks at Edward, does double take* Wait, what?

Edward: You should totally stay away from me, but I'm forcing you to come with me to Seattle!

Bella: What the fu-

**THE END! OF CHAPPIE 4!**

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**Hey guys! jeez, i havent updated in like a year! anyhoo during the beginning chapters i ewas transitioning from twi-fangirl to twi-hater so thats y i had all those hater comments and shit. now im chill about it, but i still think that bella is a spoiled brat that doesnt realize she always gets whatever she wants...so here is my 4th chapter of my twi-parody! hope u enjoyed it!**


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